sink or swim?

Life goes through its cycle of ups, when you have an insane amount of energy and you feel like you can take on the world and charge down everything that makes its way into your path. It also has its downs, where you feel like you’re drowning in a sea of things to do with not even remotely enough time to get it all done, even less energy, and microscopic amounts of motivation. I would say, right now, I’m experiencing a down.

I cannot shake this sense of impending doom. The world is about to thoroughly kick my ass. I can feel it. I’m sure I could attribute these emotions to stress, but I really don’ t think that I have enough stress to be complaining. It’s simply that at the end of the day, I am incompetent sissy. Despite this conclusion, I have to keep moving forward. There’s nothing I’d like more than to just stop fighting against the tide and let myself sink to the bottom of the ocean floor, but that’s just not an option. I wonder why I, and others who I know feel this way, often don’t give ourselves this option? Not in the sense that it’s the best course of action, but what is it that forces us to keep going when all we want to do is hibernate? Some days I feel that it’s solely my fear of what other people will think if I stop; other times it’s because I know that if I stop now I may never get going again, and where will that leave me?

My hugest concern when I fall into a valley like this one is that at the end of my life I will have done nothing. I start contemplating the future and worrying about how it will end up. I will not have established a fine career, I will not have loved someone and had them love me, I will not raise a happy well-adjusted child, and I might never do something to really, truly help someone in need. But then again, who gets to do all of those things in one lifetime? What makes me think that I have any right to be allowed to accomplish so much in one lifetime? Wouldn’t you think everyone gets ONE great accomplishment and that’s it?

But if I don’t keep going and keep working, then I won’t even get my one big accomplishment. So it may be that i can’t take over the world, but if I don’t stop every time I hit a slight roadblock then maybe, just MAYBE, I’ll eventually do something that people will remember.

Hmmm… I’ve talked myself out of the funk for now… but it may not last for long…



One response to “sink or swim?

  1. If we sunk to the bottom of the ocean floor, it’s true that someone later might seek us out and explore us for treasure. But wouldn’t you rather share your treasure with somebody under your own terms? You can take that metaphor however you want.

    Not stopping is the key to KEEPING GOING. Even when the roller coaster hits the bottom of the curve, you’re still scared shitless; when it hits the top of the hill, your sense of elation only lasts a few moments, and then you’re crashing down again. And yet people ride these things FOR FUN. For exhilaration. People live for that same sense of wanting to be scared shitless ALL THE TIME. Aren’t you lucky to already be on the front of that roller coaster?

    Anyway, part of your goals are already fulfilled: You’re raising me as a happy and well-adjusted Bella right now. What more could you need? 🙂

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