My pocket isn’t vibrating

Last night my near dead cell phone refused to charge, no matter how many times I plugged it into the charger and begged for it to please work. It was like… “nope, sorry bitch no phone for you, learn what life was like in the 1980’s.” Now, we all know that we live and breathe through our cell phones, this isn’t news to anyone, and if it is, step out of the 1980’s. But being completely inconvenienced versus having anxiety attacks, and breaking out into cold sweat and feeling like my pocket is vibrating when clearly the phone is DEAD… are two different things.

First of all, I use my phone as an alarm clock. So as I was going to sleep last night and I had to actually set my clock radio to wake me up, I had high school flashbacks. Especially this morning, listening to the sounds of the kids at the bus stop… I could have sworn I was late for school AGAIN. But alas, just late for work, which is status quo these days.

Second, I use my cellie as a watch. When it’s dead, I should really remember to wear one. Or just wear one because its a classy accessory that every woman should have regardless of whether she actually uses it to tell time. (An elegant watch; I refuse to have one of those chunky numbers with a huge digital face, even though I can’t tell time for shit and probably need the big numbers displayed for me.)

Third, umm…. not having a cell phone, like… makes it like really hard to, like… be in contact with people… like… you know? I felt lonely and unloved alllll day. I mean I understand that people can NOT get in touch with me if my phone isn’t working, but wouldn’t they try to figure out why its going straight to voicemail? Wouldn’t they try to hunt me down and find out where I am and why I’m not replying to text messages? DON’T ANY ONE OF YOU BASTARDS CARE?!?!?!?! Apparently not.

So naturally, today would be the day that I would have to go to a meeting for work (I rarely go to meetings) and the people I’m meeting with at 5.15 tell me that the doors to the building close at 5pm, “so just call me when you get here and I’ll let you in.” No can do sister, I don’t have a cell phone. “What?” Yeah, I said I DON’T HAVE A CELL PHONE. Awkward silence… How about I just come early before the building closes? “Ohh okay, yeah, that’ll work.” So I leave my office at 4.40 to make the, oh…4 minute walk, allowing myself enough time to get lost since I have a predilection towards doing that, even when my destinations is like a block away.

I arrive at the building about a half an hour before the scheduled meeting time, which is great since I had to go through what felt like airport security (I later learned this building is neighbors with the Russian Embassy AND Planned Parenthood… I’d be scared too).

So we’re in this meeting and, I kid you not, everyone’s cell keeps going off in the middle. It’s like they were rubbing it in my faces. “Oh hey, someone’s CALLING ME… you know, on my CELL PHONE… cuz mine WORKS.” Bitches. People love and care about me too, they just can’t show it because my KRZR (what the hell kind of name is that for a phone anyways?) isn’t functional right now.

So I finally go home with a sense of worthlessness and inadequacy only to realize that if I stick the charger into my phone REALLY HARD and hold it there… my phone will charge…

That’s what I’m doing right now… Tomorrow I will be a part of society once more.



One response to “My pocket isn’t vibrating

  1. You spazz! I still got in touch with you!

    Most of the time my phone is set to silent, but with a boyfriend 4,000 miles away and a nasty disinclination towards actually using the “phone” feature of my cell phone, it’s usually lighting up with text messages. So even when there’s no chance it could vibrate, ESPECIALLY when there’s no chance, or when I purposefully turn the sound on… I check it every two minutes, just to make sure I haven’t missed anything.

    What’s worse than having a dead phone? Having a phone that’s on, functional, fully charged… AND NOT DOING ANYTHING.

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