LHC??! K thnx bai

Well, it’s official: The end of the world is nigh. As I am sure you are all aware, CERN, the embodiment of the beast himself, has completed the Large Hadron Collider, aka The Doombringer. By harnessing all the power of superscience to create Big Bang-like conditions in the lab, scientists hope to unlock the secrets of gravity. Unfortunately, the only thing scientists will achieve is our collective doom. Upon activating this demonic artifact, scientists will either open a portal to a ultra-dimensional hell or merely cause the Eurpoean continent to collapse upon itself. In either case, the end result is the same, we are undone.

So as the grand story of humanity draws to a rather hackneyed and poorly contrived end, lets take a look at some of my favorite of mankind’s achievements.

Nickelodeon circa 1998

Nothing in the history of television and nothing since has matched this high point of quality children’s entertainment, specifically: Pete and Pete, Are you Afraid of the Dark?, Ren and Stimpy, Clarissa Explains it All, All That, etc, etc… Full of fun storylines that don’t take themselves too seriously. (Im looking at you, Hannah Montana.)

NOTE: THIS DOES NOT INCLUDE Wienerville; that shit is just weird.

Barnside Diner

Many of my heavily inebriated wanderings have ended in this tasty paradise. My delicious and comforting Shangri-La.

Religion

Omnipotent and benevolent??? This has caused many a thoughtful person’s head to explode. But on the plus side, virgin sacrifices.

World of Warcraft

As much as a WoW hater as I claim to be, I never cease to be amazed by the huge phenomenon it has been and continues to be. It really illustrates our deep-seated desire to escape the crapfest that is the real world. Thankfully CERN has taken it upon itself to do away with our silly planet by collapsing it into a point of infinite density from which not even light can escape. Now that may be a little extreme, but at least it will save us from the miasma of despair that will no doubt descend upon us when we find out that Paris Hilton did not, in fact, pick us to be her best friend.

‘Hokay, so the seventh seal is now broken and the four horsemen are getting ready to tapdance on our balls; hope you made peace with your maker.

– The Bat

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